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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 15, 2015 9:16am-9:50am PDT

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apparently, the only thing she hates more than gay marriage is mondays. (laughter) the presidential race is turning into a twitter war. it's the only war these guys have ever been willing to fight in themselves. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: whoo! and donald trump insults fellow g.o.p. hopeful carly fiorina's looks. what a refreshing change of pace! usually, he's insulting our intelligence! (cheers and applause) this is "the nightly show" -- let's do this! ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central oh, my goodness! thank you very much!
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welcome to "the nightly show." (audience chanting larry) such a great crowd. i love it when part of the crowd gives you a standing ovation and the rest of the crowd goes, oh, larry... larry... very kind of you. i appreciate it. (laughter) i am the aforementioned larry, larry, larry, larry... first things first. second monday of the month. you know what that means -- time for our recurring segment "black tennis roundup". ♪ (cheers and applause) that is a very limited montage. (laughter) okay. what's going on? >> in what many are calling one of the biggest upsets in tennis history, williams lost to italian roberta vinci. >> larry: serena lost, dammit! (audience reacts)
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all right, this has been "black tennis roundup." (cheers and applause) oh, wait... sorry? there is more black tennis news! you've got to be effing kidding me. guys, we never have black tennis news plural! okay, who else lost? >> tennis starames blake is outside a hotel texting when suddenly a plain-clothes police officer approaches him and tackles him to the ground. (audience reacts) >> larry: wait, how did this get into black tennis news? this is just black news. it's not even exciting black news. (yawn) this happens all the time. (laughter) sorry, james blake. although i do have to give you kudos, j.b. this is the first time in the history of "black tennis roundup" that a black tennis player got "rount" up. (laughter) pretty good. pretty good. but that's not the only reason this blake story stood out. >> police had this photograph of a man believed to be involved in the credit card fraud ring when they took down blake. that man, who commissioner bill bratton said could be, quote,
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blake's twin brother, turned out to be innocent as well. >> larry: turned out to be innocent? this cop didn't even tackle the "correct" innocent black man?! c'mon, guys! seriously! look, cops, there's only one rule when you're targeting black people -- make sure they're not famous. (laughter) oh, and also, there is a second rule -- stop targeting black people! (cheers and applause) this has been "black tennis roundup." okay. in other news -- kentucky clerk and huckabee-proclaimed second coming of m.l.k. kim davis went back to work today to do what americans do best -- avoid actual work. >> kim davis told the media she will not authorize licenses on her first day back. >> any unauthorized license that they issue will not have my name, my title or my authority on it.
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instead, the license will state that they are issued pursuant to a federal court order. >> larry: so you're telling me kim davis is collecting a government paycheck in order to sit around and let everyone else do all the work? i thought we called people like that welfare queens... that's what they say! unfortunately, like a bigotry hydra, you cut off one head and more spring up. there are 12 other clerks and judges in kentucky, north carolina and alabama copy-catting kim davis' strategy. one clerk even road his bike across the state in support of her. rode his bike in good lord! i tell you this -- there is no way it's more effective than how i chose to
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support for "the strain" by space-boarding down the west side highway. that was not easy. so kim davis is not alone, and that's awful because, despite what she says, this isn't about religious liberty. it's about using religion as an excuse to deny someone else's constitutional rights. (applause) >> larry: all right i? and that's why it was so awesome when i found out these guys were getting involved. >> there were questions about this group of heavily armed men. they call themselves oathkeepers. p.d. >> this is just about keeping people safe. >> larry: um... i think james blake could use your help. and the brother that looks like james blake. (laughter) okay. so these oathkeepers are a group of people who come heavily armed to awkward civic confrontations with the intent of protecting the constitution. they're kind of like the white black panthers. i mean, technically, they'd be white panthers, which would technically be snow leopards.
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(laughter) i mean, i could go on, but we'd just go into a linguistic spiral and this bit would never end. let's just call them white lions. okay. so these albino tigers have taken it upon themselves to protect kim davis because "she" is the victim here. not the people whose actual constitutional rights are being trampled all over. so what do these ivory pumas have to say for themselves? >> the issue is still that a judge took an elected official, a citizen of the united states and detained them without cause. >> larry: without cause? look, kim davis was put in jail because a judge legally held her in contempt of court. for people who arm themselves to protect the constitution, you should try reading it. >> it's important for our presence to be known because it's not an issue of marriage. >> larry: no, it is an issue of marriage. don't try to change the subject.
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this is all about somebody using religion because they don't like marriage. and by the way, gay couples are literally exercising their constitutional right to take an oath of marriage, you a allabasr mountain cats! (laughter) to tell us more about the this group, joining me now from kentucky are three oathkeepers -- troy holzer, travis hagstrom and trent halverson! (cheers and applause) >> evening, sir -- it's freedom time! (gunfire) >> larry: calm down, guys. no gunshots, please. okay, so what exactly are you providing? >> safety, larry. we're here to protect the people. >> larry: well, isn't that the purpose of the police? >> no, apparently the purpose of the police is to arrest kim davis for doing nothing wrong. >> oh, we'll fight the sheriff
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if we have to! (gunfire) >> larry: okay, guys. stop it! stop it! (laughter) how are you shooting machine guns in front of a government building without getting arrested? >> we're white -- white -- whiteness! (laughter) (applause) >> larry: so let me see if i can get this straight. you guys are against the unlawful detention of kim davis, but gay people are being "unlawfully detained" from getting married! >> twist those words all you want, hollywood! you know what the enemy of freedom is? laws! >> yeah! that's how come we uphold the constitoosh! america's number one! whoo! (gunfire) >> larry: stop shooting! look, you just seem like guys who want to dress up in
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uniforms, show up at rallies and just flaunt your guns. >> uh-huh. that it? no question? >> larry: you're not even wanted. kim davis' lawyer said she rejected your offer to be there. >> what do lawyers know about the law? >> we're oathkeepers, not east-listeners. >> freedom ain't free! light 'em up! (gunfire) >> larry: okay, that's enough. the oathkeepers, everybody. we'll be right back. many wrinkle creams come with high hopes, but hope... doesn't work on wrinkles. neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair has the fastest retinol formula... to work on fine lines and even deep wrinkles in just one week. neutrogena®. but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors
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even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return, we'll find out whether doug is the father. wait, what? ♪ it's from virtually anywhere.rn of danger it's been smashed, dropped and driven. it's perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road. it's been shaken, rattled and pummeled. it's innovative enough to brake by itself, park itself and help you steer.
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(dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! get rto be obsessed. sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. with no artificial flavors or colors. new from sweetarts. wanna get roped in? (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. donald trump is in hot water with women again. and not in the fun, rodney-dangerfield-in-the-'80s way. in the bad way. last month, trump said fox's megyn kelly had "blood coming out of her wherever" following some tough questions in the first presidential debate. trump later said he misspoke. but many chalked it up to a period comment and trump's child-like understanding of the female anatomy.
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(laughter) >> larry: love that. very nice! i love the long arrow to the other hoo-hoo. that's great. (laughter) now, in a "rolling stone" interview, trump said this -- >> this morning, trump collaring his remarks in a new "rolling stone" magazine cover story about his g.o.p. presidential rival carly fiorina. trump is quoted as saying, "look at that face. would anyone vote for that? can you imagine that, the face of our next president?" >> larry: okay, first of all, let's get something straight -- when "your" face looks like what would happen if owen wilson knocked up a bean bag chair, you do not get to go around dispensing opinions on faces. (laughter) secondly, it turns out that trump doesn't even have the cojones to stand by his original statement. the leading g.o.p. candidate now says that when he called carly fiorina's "face" unelectable, what he really meant was her "persona."
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>> look, i'm talking about her persona. i'm not talking about look. >> we're talking only about her persona. >> i'm talking about persona. i'm not talking about the physical thing. persona. persona. persona. (audience reacts) >> larry: wow, that's crazy, the way he just switched out the word "face" for the word "persona." it reminds me of that movie where they cut off john travolta's persona and surgically replace it with nicolas cage's persona, and then everybody's mixing them up. what's that called? oh, that's right -- persona off. i love that movie! (applause) by the way, feel free to share that poster with all your friends on persona-book. (applause) i'll be honest with you. all this language talk makes me think it's time for another episode of "word blerd."
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(cheers and applause) tonight's word is "face." this one's pretty simple. when speaking about human beings, "face" means one thing -- that (bleep) on the front of your skull. "face" does not mean "persona." if you want to say that carly fiorina's persona is unelectable, then use the word "persona." the reason we have different words is because they mean different things. if you want to invent your own meanings for real words, try "balderdash." that's when you can pretend "face" means "persona" and "ineffable" means someone you would never have sex with. (laughter) (applause) what you can't do is scream "nice boobs" at a lady and then -- after she slaps you -- say, "i was talking about your personality!"
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this has been "word blerd." sponsored by bananagrams, which is another word for balderdash. "word blerd"! (applause) now, thankfully, fiorina took donald's critique in stride. here's how she responded to trump in a speech on friday night. >> ladies, look at this face. (cheers and applause) this is the face of a 61-year-old woman. i am proud of every year and every wrinkle. >> larry: very good, carly. and in your "persona ," trump! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) comedienne, actress and host of "hack my life" on trutv brooke van poppelen! (cheers and applause) and his new album "good a.m." is coming out september 18th, platinum-selling rapper, mac miller. (cheers and applause) also guest on the lightly show. (laughter) so last week, top secret presidential candidate bobby jindal baited donald trump in an interview, saying trump looks like "he's got a squirrel sitting on his head."
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to which trump tweeted -- "oh wow, lightweight governor @bobbyjindal, who is registered at less than 1% in the polls, just mocked my hair. so original!" (laughter) trump has been insulting the other candidates. and now they're insulting him back. has donald trump created a whole new type of political sparring? >> i feel like trump was twitter before twitter was a thing. >> larry: right. he's, like, bobby jindal, loser, next! he's got room to drop a link in there. >> larry: he always uses 140 or less characters. >> exactly! i think he's running a high school presidential campaign. >> larry: yeah. he's like the mean girl running against the in other words and he can't compete intellectually so he just yells out random, mean (bleep). like, we need to open the library earlier, and he's, like, what's up with your face? you had a beef with trump,
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right? >> yeah... (laughter) >> it was a twitter beef, right? started in the real world. >> larry: it was a video right? >> it was a video song called donald trump, that's the platinum part. i had an interview and they said, you support donald trump? and i said, no, he's a big head. (laughter) >> larry: that was, like, 2012. how would you call him a dickhead outside of politics? (laughter) >> so i thought i was doing good. i thought we went under the radar with that one. i wake up the next morning and there is 25 tweets from donald trump like, really, little mac miller, you never should have stepped into the big leagues (laughter) little mac miller, i hope you know this will be the only successful song you will ever
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have. i was, like, great, keep it coming! (cheers and applause) >> larry: amazing. that's what the other candidates -- used to have ads, lyndon johnson with the nuke ad, i think that only showed once and you couldn't really respond to a negative ad. but trump doesn't need the negative ad. he can be just negative to you directly. >> yeah, and you can't spar with him. you can't spar with him. he has no filter. he'll say whatever. you know what i'm saying? >> larry: that is true. ike you're trying to keep things above board, talking about what about your ridiculous immigration policy, and he's, like, shut up, fatty! we're not having the same conversation! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> larry: do you think trump has made insult an effective political weapon? >> i hope so. >> larry: really? not the takedown, not the
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attack, but the insults. >> i think it's great. he's like a struggling rapper on twitter. (laughter) it's, like, let me, like -- let me just make fun of everybody and then retweet all the nice things people say. >> larry: right. what's kind of brilliant is he's insulting the other politicians and you quickly find out they don't have comebacks. it's, like, oh, i should have taken a comedy class, what should i do? >> he's been doing this his whole life! it isn't rude for him. there's no place for that in our politics. sorry. >> larry: there is something about him a lot of americans like. >> i put a lot of thought into this and i have a theory that donald trump is simply appealing to people who were former bullies and had to retire because they grew up and now he's letting them know, hey, you didn't peak in high school, you can do it here!
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(cheers and applause) he's a bully coming out of the e woodwork. >> larry: he's what the rest of the world always thought about america, brash, arrogant, entitled. >> the people that yell out, u.s.a. -- (bleep)! >> larry: like they're doing it at the grocery store. >> for no reason, you know? >> larry: america's id is about to become president! did i just say about to become president? (audience reacts) when you think his proposal for foreign policy is iran you can go (bleep) yourself -- (laughter) >> yeah. >> larry: there are people like that! that's what i'm saying! >> i think its less a statement about trump and more about america that this is kind of working. he can be, like, i don't know, he's, like, i don't know
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about -- you know, i don't like mexicans, and people are, like, i don't like mexicans either! yeah! >> it's terrifying but very i intriguing to watch. he's, like, hey, russia, america's done putin up with you! i'm, like, he just said that? >> larry: trump's made casual racism kind of like a fad now! (laughter) >> i don't know how casual and racism go together. i think racism is quite formal. >> larry: oh, yeah, his racism, it's an adult racism. when you start -- and he said this with racial groups here are horrible, that's pretty involved racism right there. >> it's not even horrible. it's the black love me, i'm loved by the blacks! >> especially because he calls
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us "the blacks"! (laughter) we talk about that at every meeting. all right, well, the whites and the blacks will be right back. (cheers and applause) if you're in new york city, see the show. go to thenightlyshow.com for tickets! tickets! (cheer we've been compromised!. don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets all of our legendary racing heritage. all of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. come together in one amazing new vehicle. this is the all-new gle coupe. a mercedes-benz suv with the heart and soul of a race car.
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♪ ♪ all the goodness of milk. all the deliciousness of hershey's syrup. squeeze. stir. share. but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return, we'll find out whether doug is the father.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists -- mike yard, brooke van poppelen and mac miller. goodnightly, everyone! goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause)
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